basically,, ,,,im goblim

emlyn/lee/elliot/aspen, they/he. lives in a blanket nest. is growing a beak to peck passers-by


Posts tagged vent:

im not having a great time

  • my back pain just gets worse and worse every day but i cant keep taking codeine so theres fuck all anyone can do

  • universal credit were supposed to fucking pay me today but i had to change my bank details last week which has led to a whole series of fucking appointments and i cant get paid until at least tomorrow apparently bc of this stupid fucking red fucking tape there for no fucking reason at all fucking hell

  • bf had surgery on his toe and its Not Healing Well and it might be septic and i really fucking hope not bc hes gna end up losing his toe or even his whole fucking foot and oh my god if he goes into hospital he might get coronavirus and he has severe asthma i Dont want him to die jfc

  • oh hes Also severely vitamin d deficient so. theres that.

  • plus im on my period which means dysphoria

  • also music is like my main coping mechanism but i havent been able to afford to pay spotify for two months so like i cant properly listen to music and its driving me up the fucking wall i cant comfort myself im in so much pain i cant even curl up into a ball to comfort myself when i need to and i hate it hate it

  • im supposed to start therapy this week but im Dreading it bc i have this horrible fear that as soon as i say im trans theyll discharge me and tell me to wait for my clinic referral which is not gna fucking happen for months,,,, bc apparently two in the Entire Country is enough,,,, oh Also the shit with liz truss is making me Terrified bc if theres ever a time for slipping shit sneakily under the radar its now and im so scared

Commentary: bait: and what of fear?

another of the poems from my inktober attempt

you can read it here

  • this poem kind of touches on a lot of ideas without going into them in depth

  • atlas is the titan who holds up the sky, and it's also the name of a (cool af) moth

  • i spent uhh a While researching moth bait for this poem (not that i used much of it in the poem but i do have some nice obscure knowledge to add to my obscure knowledge hoard)

  • most recipes include sugar and some kind of fruit

  • sometimes you feel like the whole world is your responsibility, especially with the internet the way it is i mean you get to hear about so many terrible things going on all the time and its so hard not to get overwhelmed by it even though so many of us have so little power as individuals

  • and its even harder when youre struggling yourself, especially with mental illness

  • a lot of days i cant even think about anything vaguely stressful bc i know ill have a breakdown and that makes it hard to do uh everything

  • i spend so much of my time just distracting myself from this great big ball of pain and hurt and anger inside me and it feels like im going nowhere bc i cant do anything i cant even face up to myself

  • and i know that i can so easily become addicted to things

  • its why i dont drink when im upset, i cant let it become a coping mechanism its why ive never tried other drugs even though ive had the opportunity

  • and sometimes its so fucking hard to just live

  • and you cant promise anything about the future so sometimes the only thing you can do is just say not today, i wont hurt myself today

  • anyway im sorry that this turned out to be,, whatever this is but uh its written so im posting it ig

feedback (on the poem, not on this mess) appreciated

if you like my work, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi

i hate watching videos of parliament so much. theyre all yelling at each other and speaking over each other and it feels so fucking childish.

and there he is bollocks johnson himself spouting whatever wank comes to his mind and not saying a single fucking thing of substance and just straight up lying through his teeth in some populist fucking play like its all some game instead of real peoples lives just shut up its not some pissing contest youre deciding the futures of millions of people stop dodging and answer peoples fucking questions dogfucker

what i say: no i dont wanna watch it with you im tired

what i mean: i dont want your bloody bigoted running commentary where you take the piss out of everything and i cant hear half the dialogue and the bits that i can hear i cant understand half the time bc you dont let me have the subtitles on

im rlly fucken exhausted abt being the butt of every joke

im so fucking tired of ur selfishness

hate talking to people hate it a lot

actually thats a lie i just hate how hard it is if it was easy it would b fine

its so terrifying and im so unpracticed at it

standard gender crisis

today im a man and like

i keep wondering if im actually a man all the time and i just get disconnected from it bc like depression/effects of forcing myself to try amd be what other ppl want me to/dysphoria

but then i dont Know bc rn im a man and that feels the most real but then being agender feels real

but i keep moving towards manhood??? or i just get better at identifying when i am a man fuck idk idk im. in crisis

trying desperately not to fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms again

the problem being that i dont have any healthy ones